the resonance of bullies
Today I received an email from a dear friend that included the phrase “the resonance of bullies”. My dear friend is a prolific creator, writer, reader and lover of life. That phrase, in the middle of a compelling story of childhood, made my heart stop. My friend told me that whenever they encountered the resonance of bullies in adult life, they were aware of their internal response to them and had learned to manage their emotions and thoughts about these humans who had a bully vibe for my friend.
A bully is a school yard asshole with a need to exert power and control over others due to their own unmet needs for love and connection. We’ve all either been a bully or have been bullied: sometimes both in the same day.
In the 90’s, schools took on bullying as an issue much in the same way they took on drugs in the 80’s. Both campaigns were similar in fashion with lots of words, talking, telling, sharing and discussing the issue and then punishing the offenders (drug users and bullies) severely so as to deter the other school children from engaging in the same behaviours. Both campaigns have failed completely and wholly because they focused on the behaviour of children rather than the underlying social issues causing the behaviour in the children in the first place.
During the 80’s we laughed at the anti-drug campaign slogans at our school. We’d even take the time to write the phrase “STAY REAL” on the inside flap of our Zig Zag rolling paper packs. We smoked weed on school property while watching the police cars drive away after their big drug talk. Their campaign was bullshit and we knew it.
My kids were institutionalized in public school during the 2000’s. The 90’s anti bullying campaigns and processes were the same and just as ineffective. Both my kids endured public education and the resonance of bullies in their respective experiences. We went through lots of school meetings with my kids because they were struggling with fitting into the school environment. Both my kids experienced severe anxiety in school. Both graduated and both are much happier out of the school setting. One of my kids tried weed but, unfortunately, they didn’t like the effects. There’s still hope for this mom.
In spite of the huge amounts of money, time, and energy spent training, disseminating, indoctrinating both teachers and students about the horrible dangers of using drugs and the behaviour control approach to bullying for the past 40 years…shit has gotten WORSE. Kids are dying of fucking opioid overdoses and mass school shootings on the regular.
SHIT HAS GOTTEN WORSE for everyone. These things aren’t happening in impoverished and desperate communities - they are happening in the comfortable communities built by the nice people who dutifully attended school and learned all the things required to be a good citizen.
A bully is a school yard asshole with a need to exert power and control over others due to their own unmet needs for love and connection. Many people turn to opioids and other substances to numb themselves from the pain of of their own unmet needs for love and connection. The problem for the people labelled bullies and drug addicts is exacerbated when others attempt to exert power and control over their behaviours.
LOVE AND CONNECTION are the antidote to both bullying and drug addiction. The underlying cause is in our social norms and values.
The resonance of bullies is the frequency emitted by humans without connection to other humans.
Dr. Brene Brown, a social science researcher social work educator has written many times that we are wired for connection. Like we are wired for oxygen, water, food and shelter to survive, we are wired for connection to each other for survival.
What are the social norms and values in your current experience? What did you grow up with? Do you continue the same norms and values as your family? Did you make a conscious choice to live differently from your family of origin?
xoxo
Miki
